I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
