please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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