its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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