My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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