Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I need moral support for this bender
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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