I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
