Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
