he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
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Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize