it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
