My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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