she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I AM VODKA MAN
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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