my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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