I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
