You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
