a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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