god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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