oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
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He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
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Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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