I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Ketchup is God's man juice
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.