i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
