So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
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i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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