Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
