More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
