She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
