If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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