I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
