hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
