Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
