I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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