I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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