I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I use my feet as sexual weapons
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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