i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
