Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
