dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
only you would photoshop your dick
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
