it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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