I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
