Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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