I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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