Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
