You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
