I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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