I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
