Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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