There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
