she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Sober January is a disaster.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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