i was rollin on her like bob the builder
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
