Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
