When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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