the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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