you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
