And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
