how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
