the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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