And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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