Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
