Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
