I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
