the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I supernannyed him into submission
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
